Saying that I don’t like warm weather is a way of saying I haven’t learned to enjoy life as it is and I’m sure that I’m not the only one because I see people around making radical changes like a way of holding for life of the hope that things will be better in a near future. I also hold from dear life with my teeth of little and absurd details to try and find something to silence the voices in my head and feel some sort of… peace? Calm? Anything, just to get some sleep.
It’s been quite a few years that I haven’t been in the keyboard up until dawn.
Where I live I have the opportunity to watch the sunrise, when the sun starts to show behind the hills and the color of the sky changes from dark blue, or black to the colorblind like me, towards yellow and then gray, blue skies are an illusion because of the air pollution in the area. This statement gives me a glimpse on the reasons why I hold into little, and most of the time, absurd things, for instance: to give a clear direction like “turn left on the next aisle” and people going straight, and add to that the nervous reaction because now my bad vibe is felt due that “mistake” and so on. Things escalate pretty quick.
I’ve been searching for an answer to this characteristic that every other day drags me into this helpless frustration because disorder and lack of attention that are everywhere you look. A few years back I damaged quite heavily a car’s door because there was inside me so much frustration, depression, anger or whatever, that a sudden fury got the best of me and I ended up having that… episode. I have to clarify that when I say “every other day” I meant from Monday to Sunday. Go figure. I guess I just need to keep looking for that answer.
Neurotic may be the word that best answers my question. A psychiatric may help me figure if that’s the word that better describes what’s happening to me, but also tantrum may be the answer and probably a more accurate one. I’ve come to believe that I’m just a spoiled and immature person and it’s probably true. There are so many words you, or someone else, can use to describe human behavior that it becomes really complex to know where do you begin to be happy just because. Learn to be happy should be a mandatory assignment at school instead of those that “teach” you to behave in the society. No one turns civilized or with a perfect fit in the society at the end of the school. I have to admit I’m talking for my self actually, and in behalf of all the people that when the light turns yellow, or amber to those non color blind, step into the gas even if at the end they start going through the red light; for those people I have bad words only, sorry.
My mind gets exhausted, the constant noise and lack of answers. I get so tired that when I finally manage to sleep I do it at a middle of a conversation I was having just to let the time pass by while everyone is sleeping, while the dogs bark to whatever dogs bark, while a neighbor quietly parks but sets the car alarm on that, in that moment, sounds like trumpet next to my left ear. At the end, the cold of the night lulls me to sleep, becase the warmth wakes me up and the cascade of questions hit my mind.
Next day, even if the night is cold, sun rises again and inevitably I open my eyes and take a deep breath enjoying the cold air that is still around because it reminds me the rest I have had and breathing out just depresses me to learn that the warmth will be there again.